Sunday, November 20, 2005
Now the question comes, what is the age where you let them begin to do this. I say let it happen slowly, and I would say a good starting point is around 8. Again I said I would ease them into the whole choice aspect. I wouldn't just unleash them, let it be gradual.
I remember on my mission, while in the MTC (Missionary Training Center) we were pretty controled, just by the fact that we were in a closed area. I mean there was no where to go, you were confined. Then the day came when we enetered into our actual mission and left the training center. I remember being in the mission office, they had given us a portion of our allowance, which was more money then I had seen up to that point. I was new to the country, and to the mission, so I had no concept of how much money I actually had. I mean it was a diffrent currancy, I was still thinking in dollars. I had no concept of budget. So we all get hungry, and we are used to, at a certain time of day going to a cafeteria, where the food is prepared for us, we have a few options of what to eat, but not many. So we say, "We're hungry, when are we eating lunch." They look at us, and say whenever you want. Then we say, well how are we supposed to get food. They say, you got money, and you got two feet, you figure it out, jsut make sure you take one person with you. Well we all still stuck together, we weren't used to being apart, we had been together for 9 weeks straight. So we venture first across the street to this bakery, we are all starving, and they ahve food, lots of food. So I just start buying stuff, and then next thing we know, we find out about a mall a few blocks away, where there is a McDonalds as well as some other restarauntes. So we head over there and spend more money. The next day I get my new companion, and enter my actual area, with next to no money left. I had another two weeks to go, and I needed to pay for bus fair as well as the metro. So for the next few nights, I went hungry while my companion who's mom would send him a nice fresh $20.00 bill in each letter she wrote for a whole year straight, was eating, and eating nicely. I look back now, and think he is a JERK. But hey when freedom is released all at once on you, and sometimes they think the control, protects you, and the protection is teaching you. It isn't until you are left by yourself, and on your own that you realize how much you really know. I mean I survived, I lived and I learned. I never ran out of money again, and I learned how to budget. It was a good experience.
Well I know you probably don't give a dime
but thats my two cents...
Friday, September 16, 2005
I seem to feel as if I am making the right decisions, then I look at other peoples lives, only from a distance. It's like looking at a painting, an oil painting. Their is one thing I have noticed in my career, or in my history of art, any time you look at a painting from a distance it seems to be perfect. In fact I took a class in college and one of our first projects was to pick a painting and reproduce it using the computer, using Photoshop to be exact. My reproduction seemed to be coming along very well. Other class mates would look at my computer screen from across the class at a distance, I noticed them starting to walk up to my computer to gain a closer look. Only when they came closer I would turn to see their face and disappointment would be staring back at me. I then zoomed out of my computer, to see the view they were looking at. I even got up and stood across the room, and looked at my screen. On my screen was a reproduction of a painting that appeared to be an exact replica of the painting. But at a closer look it was a blob of mush, just colors mixed together, and a blur of reality. I think that is the same vision we gain of our peers lives. I see the lives of friends and family, and everything seems to be going right for them. I wonder what I am doing wrong, and what everyone else is doing right. I talk to friends from my mission, and they are living in houses, they have good paying jobs, they are happy. They aren't struggling to pay there bills. So I begin to trace through the blue print of my life, only I am staring through a microscope, and I see every single tiny flaw of my life. Then I begin to create the reason for the problems in my life. I begin to understand why things aren't going right. I'm a freakin loser. Why should things work out. Either that or you don't see flaws, and you see that you have been doing the right things. So then you need an ulterior reason for your mishaps. So then you think some greater power is against you, but for everyone else. So then you start rethinking your whole reason behind what you do, and why you do it. Then you start to justify wrong actions, you begin to say well I was doing the right things, and it wasn't working.
But that brings up a question in my mind. Why should a good decision equal an instant reward. Why should a bad decision equal an instant consequence. I feel that if that were the case it would be to easy. Besides you shouldn't do good things, or live a morally clean life because you will be rewarded, you should do it out of respect for yourself. You should do it for the soul purpose of it being the right thing. Do it because you want to do it, not for what you potentially will receive. So then I look at my life, and all I need to work on. I see all my weaknesses, but they aren't reasons. I think I struggle so that I can learn. I think you are able to truly understand people and yourself when you are in a crisis. That is when a true person appears, that is when you really see who you are, and who others are.
In Highschool in basketball I would notice how hard people would practice during practice, when the coach was there with the whistle hanging loosely at the tip of his lip. His arms to his waist, and his back at a subtle slouch. Everyone was running, and pushing themselves. Then I would get on that same court with the same people only the coach would be gone, and not present in the gym. Then you would see how they really played. That is when you would see who your team mates really were. It is the choices you make when you aren't seeing any selfish rewards to reap. It is the choices that people make for themselves, the choices made when no one is around, when no one is looking. The choices someone makes when they are walking down a street all alone with everyone locked away in there houses, and a wallet is on the street. The decision you make right then and their is who YOU really are. So God wants to know who we really are, so he leaves us to ourselves, he sees what types of decisions we make all alone. But truthfully it isn't so God can see who we really are. I don't think that is the purpose of this life. Infect that is what everyone feeds you. It is like that poem about footprints. I don't by into that, I don't think God is carrying us through the hardest parts of our life. I think we are all alone, and I don't think it is for him, I think it is so we can finally figure out who we are. I think there is a disease in the world today, and I think that the majority of the world doesn't know who they are. They haven't stopped long envoy to think about it. They spend to much time tracing back the steps of their lives, trying to figure out who is to blame for the problems of there lives. They want to know why there life isn't moving smoothly, like the paintings of the peoples lives they see off in the distance.
I find myself doing the same thing, the difference is I try to take the time in myself to stop myself, and then I begin to analyze myself instead, I try to see the areas of my life I need to work on. Then I question my purpose. I ask myself why I want to be that type of person. Anytime I catch myself answering in a selfish response, like of what type of reward or blessing I will receive from a decision, I stamp it void, and I think of a new purpose. Until I finally realize the true reason for living up to the standards that I have set for myself. It's so I can respect myself, it is so when I look in the mirror I will love the person I am looking at. If I don't love that person how can I ever expect anyone else to. So when I begin to see my life, and then I question my choices, and I judge the correctness of my choices by where I am in life. Like as in with my job situation, I started to think judge my decision on my job by how it has ended up for me, and I am seeing that it is all going down hill, I am not making as much as expected, and I am seeing other things in my life crashing down around me. So then I start to think I must of made the wrong decision because my life isn't smoothly flowing along.
Infact I look back at all my decisions in life, and I think about how everything just seems to be crashing down around me, and problem after problem keeps coming right after the other, until I have a mountain of problems, only when people look at my life from a distance they see a small hill of problems. Only I am right up next to the problems, so they seem to be a mountain of problems. So then I start to think that I don't know what I am doing, and I am just making all the wrong decisions, because for some reason I have built up this expectation that a right decision in life should mean an absence of all problems. So if we were to all make the right decisions in life, then we would be able to breeze through life without any struggles or hardships. I even see my family and peers staring at me, and pointing there finger and telling me, "See I told you not to make that decision." "I told you not to buy that car." "You shouldn't of gotten married so soon." "I told you, you weren't ready for a baby." it goes on for days, it seems in everyone else's eyes that I can't make a decision, and they question every decision I make. They send me e-mails of warning, they tell me they are just trying to help me out. They judge my decisions of whether or not it actually clears away a nice smooth road. So I wonder why that is. Why have we all built up this mirage of reality, that the proof of a good decision is the absence of strife, and an absence of obstacles in our path? (this in no way is stating taht I don't want people to express there opinions with me, I apreciate all advice, I am only questioning the reason for it)
So how can we really judge whether a decision were the right or wrong decision?
My answer, which I have come to through 24 (almost 25) years of life is that you judge a decision by how you come out of it in the end. I say if you progressed, and came away a stronger and a better person, then it was a right decision. If you come out of it a weaker person, then it was a bad decision. If it stops your progression.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
when your too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth
danuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh
as the guitar solo comes creeping in through the speakers, before no time you begin to hear the drums start to bang, next through your ear comes the vibrations of other elecrtical sounds, and then everyone comes together in one voice...
Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
and the music plays!
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I
Now you can really feel the words in your soul....
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I
Then the music stops, and quietly you hear one soul voice...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Thats how my day began as I was driving in Heather's truck on my way down 35 to work, I had just picked up some free chic-file chicken mini's for breakfast, and The Kid Kratic show went to a comercial break, so I decided to play a song from my new Cold Play X&Y CD. Little did I know that that song would pretty much be the soundtrack of my day...
Mom called me around lunch time with tears in her voice, it seems as though her day was going about as well as mine, I drew this picture of a freakin field mouse and went to save it, and BAM the program quit on me, their went an hour of work down the drain, I was able to get started with a new one and thrity minutes into it I tried to save again and BAM! the program quit and I lost it again. MAC's are far superior to any other computer, and they never have any problems, or bugs, atleast thats what the vibe is around the world by fellow MAC users... I don't by it, I have yet to see any real benefit to a MAC over a PC...
Well Heather hasn't had too good of a day, I got a few calls from her as well. It is times like these that I like to reflect on the importance of family, and the eternal aspect of a family. I hold strong desires to have a united family, I have never really liked the fact that I have grown up with out any real relationships with any of my Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and not really even my Grandparents.
You know it has always been my view, that family includes all of that, and then when one of your brothers or sisters get's married it is my firm opinion that the spouse of your brother or sister becomes apart of your family. So then when we speak of loyalty to family we speak of the spouse as well. So then regardless of issues I myself will and do love the spouses of my brothers and sisters. Some of them I may not agree with some of their views, or perhaps just don't connect well with them, but my eyes see past peoples faults, and short comings. I see past these things and I love them all unconditionally, I don't hold grudges, and I don't hold tight to their mistakes they have made in life, and hold that against them and throw them to the wayside as a "bad person" I still remain cordial, and greet them and depart from them with open arms. In my view taht is what family is all about, remaining loyal, and true. The love that comes from a family should never waver, it should be a constant, it is in the family that you should be able to seek comfort and shelter.
Atleast that is my views on the subject, like always I already know Mark will disagree with me, because in his words me and my friend "Bucktooth" always have twisted views of reallity, and my whole phylosiphy on life is alwasy just alittle off, I mean in all reallity he is just not sure if I am just stupid, or if really I am just so prideful and hardheaded. So let me go ahead and chalk it up to both, we can all come to a solid agreement today, and this can be my "coming out" party, It is both, I am stupid and prideful. The sadder thing is, I've never really asked for anyone to agree with me, in fact anytime I am in an arguement with Mark, or Matt, or anyone else it isn't that I am argueing with them to convince them of my opinion being superior but really I am striving to clearify and untangle the opinion after they destroy it and mis-interpret it, I could care less if anyone agrees with me, I don't believe in things because of the majority. That isn't where my beliefs come from, infact I will goes as far to say that I don't believe anything that comes out of anyones mouth, or anything I read, I seek out my own personal answers, and through my own personal dealings is where I obtain my answers. I listen and take in what everyone says, and then at the end of the night, I'm always the one who makes the decision....
Thanks to all of those who participated in the last debate.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I bring you a new drawing I did of my beautiful daughter Hannah. So anyways I went to play ball tonight and I actually played good, I also played on Monday and I played well also. So perhaps my slump is ending, the only problem is Monday I kept losing, but tonight I actually got a few wins under my belt.
Onto other news today was my last day working at Brylane, so that is totally freakin awesome. I felt wonderful as I walked out of that building and had the hugest smile on my face as I walked out to my car. So me and Heather are doing very well these days, and Hannah is wonderful as well. We have made some big changes in our lives, and had to make a few huge decisions, and I feel that we have made the correct decisions.
The only reason I even updated was to put that drawing of Hannah up on here, so peace out!
Saturday, August 06, 2005
1.) I have many of a memory of Mark sneaking out to the back yard to jump over the almost falling down fence, which my dad specifically, & repeatedly told us not to jump the fence. So Mark would always jump the fence and run across Toeperwein Rd. (a semi congested road behind our house) to get a fountain drink. Their were only a handful of times which Mark would let me, his lil paesky brother go across Toeperwein with him, so those times I got to go have always stuck with me. I have never been one afraid to ask for anything, so I asked if I could go everytime, so since 9 times out of 10 I was told NO, the times when he said yes especially stuck with me.
2.) When I went to visit Mark in Utah he lived in an apartment and across the street was a corner store, so every night of the week I stayed with him, me and Mark would walk across that street, and take one of the collection of cups Mark already had in his kitchen and we would get a refill, and we would make ourselves a little mix, because Mark is the king of mixing the fountain drinks, and that too always stuck with me. I've always enjoyed spending time with my big brother, and he hasn't always wanted to spend time with his younger pest of a brother, so I always enjoyed even the smallest of moments I was able to kick it with my big brother. Even if it meant we were just gonna be rebelliouse and jump that old wooden fence and get a fountain drink. Even when the only drink I got was a sip of the fizz from the rootbeer, as Mark was waiting to fill that bad boy to the brim so we could make our treck back over that fence before my pop strolled out into the family room in his underwear and a flashlight with some fuzzy sheep skin slippers, trying to adjust the thermostat to 85 cause he didn't have enough blankets in his bed to keep himself warm in 78 degrees.
Those were the days!
So now I sit with my big red in hand, as I take a sip of the memories from the past...
Friday, July 15, 2005
I glanced over at the clock as we were having a short conversation regarding what we were doing for dinner. We decided on chicken, and churches chicken to be specific, seeing how I remember it closing at 9:00pm and the clock read 8:48 I didn’t have much time to conversate. So I grabbed my keys and said I love you and walked out to my car. My hand ruffled through some papers finding its way to some newly burnt CD’s, and grabbed one and glanced to see what was written in the permanent black marker. I turned up the volume to the point that the car was consumed with the vibrations of The Roots which began to flow through the speakers and into my ears, quickly my mind was and thoughts fallowed suit, and vibed along with the melody. I waited patiently as The Roots spoke to me in the drive thru. I recited my order to the speaker in front of the menu outside. He then repeated back to me, I wasn’t paying to much attention to what he was saying when I subconsciously just stated Ok as I rolled up the window and turned the stereo back up. Slowly I approached the window and reached for my wallet. Slowly the realization that I had forgotten my wallet slipped through the breaks in the beat and worked its way through my mind until the “dawning” sensation overwhelmed me with stupidity. I came to the window and as the young man leaned outside awaiting a payment method, I told him I would be back, and that I forgot my credit card. So I drove off back towards my apartment with The Roots at maximum volume hoping to drown out the embarrassment, I was hoping to get to the apartment and back to the restaurant before my cell phone began to vibrate with a call from Heather wondering where her chicken was. My first arrival at the drive thru speaker box was 8:58pm, but I saw that they didn’t actually close until 10:00pm. So I still had plenty of time. I arrived at the restaurant a little past 9:00 and waited inside as the prepared my order. My mind full of embarrassment, or rather the mere shock of forgetting my wallet, I mean I have never been known to do such a thing. So I was anxious to grab my food and be back on the road to Heather who called as I was pulling out of the apartment, I used my Mark Guymon tactics and told her a short end version of the story and that I was waiting for the food, and then I would be on my way home. So I was really ready to get back ASAP now. So I was back on the road around 9:25pm and the smell of hot chicken began to fill my Honda Accord. I was contemplating my day, and the occurrences that had happened up to that point. So I paid no attention to the food, or the music coming through the speakers. I arrived at the apartment and entered the door to a crying baby, and my wife leaning over her in the bed trying to comfort her, and get her to sleep. As I began to dip my chicken tender into the creamy mash potatoes Heather took her seat and realized not only did they falsify our order with a roll, and not a honey biscuit, but they also didn’t give us any drinks. So I was quickly back in the car and back on the road to Churches for the third time, and now it was 9:35pm. And I was running out of time. I arrived to a locked door and a line in the drive thru at Churches so I chose the line as opposed to the locked door. The line moved very slow, as I skipped past the speaker in font of the menu process, and headed straight for the window when my path was impeded by the slow moving line of two cars in front of me. So as I approached the window my clock read 9:58pm. I had my window rolled down, and quietly informed him that I they forgot my drinks, so he graciously gave me a larger set of drinks, and sent me on my way. I arrived home at around 10:08pm, and Heather still hadn’t eaten. So I sat down next to her on the red leather couch, after I put “October Sky in the DVD player, and pressed play, I began to continue dipping my chicken tenders into the now colder creamy mash potatoes. I took a sip of my larger Coke, and glanced over at my wonderful wife, the baby was asleep in the room, and I just though about how thankful I am for FAST FOOD!!!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
I came up with the philosophy that we are a product of our own decisions. I know what some of you may think, I just said there are certain elements of this world that we have no control over, but what I mean by we are a product of our own choices, is that things occure in our lives and we have the "choice" of how to react to these elements in our lives. So I began living under the philosophy to "Hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst." So that way when a cotastrophy occurs in my own personal life, I have already mentally prepared myself for the worst, so I am already able to react in a much more postive way.
Recently I read a blog of my friends which spoke of such a thing, yet placed under a new set of terms, and words. He places the same philosophy to be able to accomplish certain goals. So instead of trying to control your situation, you merely react and move with the elements, and not against the elements. It still is heavy on my mind, exactly what type of mental steps must be taken in your thought process to be able to accomplish such a task. You see with my philosophy I know what type of mental steps must be taken in every decision, and situation. This may seem a little scattered, as I am basically writing my thought process to work my way through this philosophy. Now for example if I were to make a goal in my life to accomplish something I would in turn think of the worst possible outcome while trying to battle my way through the process of accomplishing this goal, and I prepare myself mentally to be able to deal with it, so if it were to happen it would no longer be a shock to me, and I would better react and deal with the situation and move on from that point. By doing so I live under the belief to live in the present, and treat that as a gift, and not to linger in the past, even if the past happens to be a matter of seconds away from your present standing. However my friend talked of situations where his "tapping in" helped him to accomplish the goal, and my beliefs don't help me accomplish that specific goal, because I could fail, my philosophy only helps me remain happy, and not in constant sorrow. Happiness being my main goal in life on a daily and eternal perspective.
Written: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 on: www.xanga.com/skillzguymon
“We got arms but won't reach for the skies
Waiting for the Lord to rise
I look into my daughter's eyes
And realize that I'ma learn through her”(Common)
Hannah’s a little congested these days, so we have been trying to do the whole booger sucker thing…
I’m not sure if it is really working. She seems to be alright though. The other night I was up entertaining her till 2:00a.m. Then Heather grabbed her and rocked her and she fell asleep. That was Sunday night, but other than that she is growing and happy.
This is the new site Heather started for Hannah it is a little more nicer, It lets you share a lot more about Hannah and her growth than just pictures like the msn site. So go ahead and check that out. We usually try to update it with one or more pics every day.
“Never looking back or too far in front of me
The present is a gift
and I just wanna BE”(Common)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The brown liquid quickly filled the plastic blue cup, and as it entered the gas created the fizz that nearly poured over the top of the cup. As I let the fizz come to a rest, and only the ice cold Vanilla Coke was left, I prepared a plate full of Potato skins, bagel pizzas, Buffalo wings, and some mozzarella sticks, I walked out into the front room and sat down on the floor in front of the red leather couch. You would think that this was the beginning of a story of the perfect night.I stared into the television which was showing the cheesy pre-game show. The game was a good, and very enjoyable to watch. However the night ended with the Spurs putting up a decent fight, but not sufficient enough to clinch a title. So now we will have to wait til tursday to find out who the Champ will be. Now don't get me wrong by the post, I am not a Spurs fan, nor a Detroit fan. I am an avid Basketball fan, to the point of perhaps being called a fanatic. I would like to see both Ginobili, and Tim Duncan with another championship under their belt.
After the game Heather gave Hannah a bath, and then she was a little squirmish until she finally came to a nice deep sleep around 12:00am, maybe earlier, I can’t really remember.
Yesterday came and went as though it never even took place; I can’t really even recall any of the daily activities.
Work has still been quite slow, but in the upcoming weeks it should be picking up. They are beginning to work with a new client, so that should prove to keep us all very busy. I still have yet to receive a solid response on what will happen after the internship, there was a brief conversation that was started this morning. It almost frustrated me though as aposed to making me feel more confident. Jane told me that they really want me to stay, but they aren't sure wheather I can work full time. So for one that scares me because what if they are thinking they are going to be able to continue paying me $7.00 an hour. When in reallity I am only putting up with the low pay for the mere fact that I am an intern, and by being an intern the fact that I am even getting paid is a stretch, but the amount of money they are saving by paying me the seven dollars an hour, compared to what they would have to pay a freelancer to do it is a large amount. I have added up some days that I have worked and the amount of money I would make if I got paid for the work I did, and in one two day period the pack of work I completed would of made me $600.00, and thats in two days. Even today I only completed one piece of art, and it would of made me over $150.00. This is in only 2 and a half hours of working. Imagine how much I would be able to accomplish working forty hours a week. Add that up and that is 38-40 thousand a year. So at $7.00 and hour for 20 hours a week, they are getting rich off of me. So if they think that madness will continue when I complete the amount of hours required for my intern, they are ludacris.I am enjoying working there, I just wish they would be upfront with me, and not leave me guessing, and wondering what is gonna happen.
We just got done watching Coach Carter, and it was a pretty decent movie, it being the B.J Pratt debut and all.